Have You Read “The Worst Story Ever Written?” Clear Your Schedule!

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great deal and lots of thing might pose title to being the “ bad news report ever written . ” But the reigning champion , according to Brobdingnagian swathe of fandom , is probably The Eye of Argon , first published in a fanzine in 1970 . you could read the whole matter online .

I mentioned The Eye of Argon earlier today ina writing column about dealing with literary criticism . And then it occurred to me , maybe not everybody has experience this masterpiece of badness ? It ’s fundamentally the Plan 9 of prose fantasy .

As John Gaines at LibraryPointexplains :

The Eye of Argon was write in 1970 by sixteen - year - old Jim Theis and published in the sci - fi magazine OSFAN . It can best be identify as a pastiche of concepts in the beginning made popular in Robert E. Howard ’s Conan series : muscular barbaric heroes , beautiful adult female , swordfights , magic , and vicious creatures . Many author have created compelling imaginary worlds with these concepts , including Howard himself . There is nothing inherently wrong with the concept and story of The Eye of Argon . The great fault of the story — and the thing that make it so memorably sorry — is the committal to writing dash itself .

Often fantasy author use colorful committal to writing that deliberately emphasizes adjectives and adverbs to illustrate their creation . Instead of being merely “ colorful , ” Argon is ludicrously flowery , with characters talk course such as , “ Prepare to embrace your Lord in the stygian haunts of hell , barbarian ! ” and “ The engrossed titan push aside the research of the speculative female person . ” It is very difficult to keep a consecutive face while read the floor , a fact which made Argon quite popular at science fiction conventions . It has become so popular thatrules for its readinghave been created . The independent challenge is to read as much of the story as potential without laughing .

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Here ’s howthis indispensible oeuvre of fancy literaturebegins :

The conditions beaten trail lesion out front into the junk rack climes of the baren land which overshadow orotund helping of the Norgolian imperium . historic period worn hoof prints smothered by the sifting sands of time radiate dully against the rubble plash impudence of earth . The unflagging Sunday cast its sear rays of incandescense from overhead , half fashion through its day-after-day revolution . little rodent scampered about , engross themselves in the day-to-day accomplishments of their dismal lives . detritus sprayed over three heave mounts in blinding clouds , while they bore the burdonsome cargoes of their struggling overseers .

“ Prepare to embrace your God Almighty in the Acheronian haunts of hell , barbarian ” , gasped the first soldier .

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“ Only after you have snog the fugitive position of end , poor devil ! ” repay Grignr .

A wholesale steel of flashing brand rivet from the monolithic boor hide enameled shield as his undulate right-hand limb squeeze forth , send out a sword shod blade to the hilt into the soldiers vital reed organ . The draw soldier of fortune crumpled from his saddleback and sank to the clouded turf , spatter the parched dust with crimson droplets of escaping life fluid .

The enthused barbarian swilveled about , his cushion of igneous red hair tossing robustly in the humid air current as he faced the flak of the shoot down soldier ’s fellow in arms .

Photo: Jae C. Hong